


Nutella

by ceywoozle



Series: One Word Bottomjohn Prompts [70]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, This is ridiculous, attempts at non-consensual drugging, sherlock has terrible plans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 10:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5964268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceywoozle/pseuds/ceywoozle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock has a plan. It fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nutella

John can taste it immediately in his Nutella. Never mind that he doesn’t even like Nutella, but Sherlock had been fussing all morning, bringing him tea, the paper, his bloody _slippers._ John wants to tell him to calm down because it was just a bloody headache but to be perfectly honest he’s been enjoying it too much and when the toast came, slathered in sickening chocolate spread, John hadn’t had the heart to say no.

Well. Until he’d tasted it anyway. The Nutella. Bloody Nutella.

“Sherlock.”

Instantly Sherlock is at his elbow, hovering like a waiter at an overpriced restaurant. “Yes, John?”

“What have you put in the Nutella?”

The look Sherlock gives him is his patented _How-Could-You-Say-Such-A-Thing_ look and John sighs.

“Sherlock.”

Sherlock scowls.

“I swear to God if this is one of your experiments again—”

“That was one time, John, and unlike you I am capable of understanding basic English. Such as _No, Sherlock, drugs are bad!”_ He waves his hands in the air and raises his voice to a mocking pitch.

If he hadn’t already been convinced that Sherlock had doctored the Nutella he would have been now.

“Sherlock—and I swear to God if you don’t answer my question I’m going to tell Greg just who put that bug in his office— _have you drugged the Nutella?”_

“You don’t drug inanimate things, John. You drug a person. You _put drugs in_ a substance.”

“Right.”

John reaches for his mobile.

“It wasn’t drugs, per se,” Sherlock says.

“For God’s sake Sherlock.”

“Just some medicinal herbs.”

“Nightshade is a bloody medicinal herb, Sherlock.”

“Nightshade is a poison, John, and it’s only fatal in large doses.”

“I swear to God if you put nightshade in this—”

“Of course I didn’t, don’t be an idiot. It’s Yin Yan Huo.”

“What the hell is Yin Yan Huo.”

“Also commonly referred to as ‘Horny Goat’s Weed.'”

John stares at him.

“If that does what I think it does—”

“As the name suggests, John, yes.”

John keeps staring at him. He is trying to think back over the last several weeks, trying to imagine why Sherlock would think he’d need help in that area, but all that comes back to him is memory after memory of shagging against every available surface an unholy number of times per day. He ran past sore days ago and has reached that happy place in his existence where Sherlock no longer even has to prepare him before fucking him up against the nearest wall. Just thinking about it John can feel his cock twitch and he sends a mental glare down at it, telling it to behave.

“Did you have an actual reason for doing this or were you just curious?” John asks and doesn’t bother trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

Sherlock’s expression is defiant and it makes him look twelve.

“Sherlock, talk to me, or so help me I’m never letting you touch me again.”

For a moment Sherlock looks horrified, then he looks intrigued.

“And no, I won’t let you watch, either.”

Horrified is back. _“John.”_

“No, Sherlock.”

“It was your fault anyway.”

“Oh, sorry, I must have forgotten asking you to drug me. Just slipped my mind, did it?”

“You said you had the headache.”

“Your point?”

“You never get the headache.”

“I don’t often get hit over the head with a table leg either.”

Sherlock narrows his eyes. “I looked it up.”

“What, concussions?”

“The internet says when a woman says she has a headache it means she doesn’t want to have sex with you.”

John doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry. “Could I please punch you,” he says instead and Sherlock glares at him. “What the hell have I said about using Google for relationship advice.”

“I’ve found it quite helpful.”

“No, Sherlock. This is not helpful.”

“The exception that proves the rule, John.”

“Let me rephrase that: _do not use Google for relationship advice unless you are looking for a new relationship.”_

Sherlock scowls. “I thought that ginger thing was a good idea.”

“The ginger thing was a horrible idea, Sherlock.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

“So…”

“No, Sherlock.”

“Maybe you should eat the Nutella.”

“I hate Nutella, Sherlock.”

“What if _I_ eat the Nutella?”

“Fine. Eat the Nutella, Sherlock.”

“...Or possibly already have.”

John pauses. “You mean… _this_ Nutella. This _particular_ Nutella.”

“Well I didn’t want to disappoint you if it happened to work.”

John looks at Sherlock. Looks down. “Oh. So.”

“It worked.”


End file.
